Mommy Dearest
Alias is a wild spy-fi action family drama. The PS2/Xbox game based on the show? Consider it a national security risk.
One thing about me? I love rewatching shows. I remember the first season of a TV show I bought - Buffy, season one, back in 2002. Arrested Development, LOST, and even Desperate Housewives: I would pop in a disc to rewatch a favorite episode or two while in undergrad. In law school, I could watch discs at a time while outlining classes. Real sicko shit, watching an entire season of LOST in two or three sittings. Even this summer, I leaned on rewatches of shows like Buffy and Modern Family during my hospitalization.
Hell, even when I am feeling fine (which I am now, thankfully) I’m still rewatching old shit. I’ve been rewatching Alias lately, and for me, it’s comfort TV at its finest. The show is ostensibly about Sydney Bristow, a double agent working for the CIA to take down a nefarious organization called SD-6. To do so, she has to work alongside her estranged father, another double-agent. She eventually learns her long-dead mother is alive and a Russian operative. Family hijinks ensue over 100 episodes.
It is the kind of show you sink into like an oversized sweatshirt: that early-2000s color grading, the perfectly absurd spy disguises, Nostradamus-like nonsense written (and spoken by human actors) with complete conviction, and Jennifer Garner doing more emotional labor in one episode than most prestige TV casts manage in a whole season.
The first two seasons are nigh-untouchable. Especially the first season, where every episode ended on some bonkers cliffhanger which would be directly resolved in the opening moments of the next. The first two seasons really are peak TV before that was a thing, especially with gonzo season finales that would turn the show on its head. Alias never gets enough credit since it is forever overshadowed by the other J.J. Abrams show that came right after it.
Even the polarizing later seasons have charm, with Season 4 ditching long-standing serialized storytelling for something more akin to the X-Files and Season 5 being compromised with cast shake-ups and even Jennifer Garner’s own pregnancy (that kid is 20 now). You can tell the writers still cared, even if network notes and cast changes were playing tug-of-war with the story. I’m pleased to say Alias still holds up quite well, two decades on. Can’t say the same thing about Alias: The Game.
To be fair, I’m not sure the game could hold up now when it couldn’t even hold up back then. Developed by Acclaim Studios Cheltenham and released in 2004, it had one genuine ace up its sleeve: the show’s cast returned to voice their characters. Jennifer Garner carries that script the same way she carried entire emotional arcs of the series. Michael Vartan, Victor Garber — the gang’s all here.
The problem is… everything else:
Muddy, late-PS2-era textures that feel like they were blended on low speed
Stiff animations that make sneaking look like your character desperately needs to pee
Combat that can only be described as “hit buttons and pray for mercy”
Camera and controls that actively sabotage your stealth attempts
I’ve owned this game for twenty-one years. I only recently made it through the first level, and regret it. The game wants to be Splinter Cell. It plays like Splinter Cell, if you’ve had three bottles of wine first. Watching Sydney Bristow karate-windmill her way through blocky henchmen while the camera spasms like it’s trying to escape your TV? Art, in its own cursed way.
There are dreadful stealth segments, which at least have the good sense to let you steamroll right through them without earning a Game Over. But the environments are boring, the sound effects are dull, and combat is wonky. Sure, they include gizmos to deploy during missions, but the thrill of evading security lasers, disarming a safe, or dosing a bouncer with a sedative aren’t fun things to translate into a gamified experience. The tension in watching Sydney perform these feats is gone here. There’s apparently a ten-episode promotional game called Alias Underground that was entirely free to download. Even that seems more exciting than this game.
For context: the first Buffy the Vampire Slayer console game landed in 2002, two years before Alias’s digital misadventure. Buffy nailed it. It wasn’t perfect, but it captured the show’s tone and action far more successfully with solid combat, fast pacing, and a surprising faithfulness to the show’s vibe. It felt fun, which is a wild concept when comparing it to what we have here. And while we’re happy to have the voice cast, everyone’s lines are a bit stiff in comparison to their in-person portrayals.
In the annals of “strong female lead” TV shows turned video games, Alias ranks after Buffy, but still probably before the Desperate Housewives PC Game. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to download the Grey’s Anatomy PC game. And the less said about Xena for Nintendo 64, the better.
Rewatching Alias today is a blast. I relish the topsy-turvy twists and spy-fi gadgetry. I love this show. How lucky to be able to watch it again after all this time, and most of it feeling new. Jennifer Garner sells the show in spades. But the game doesn’t have that luxury. It’s earnest in a desire to feel like an extension of the show, but it never feels as exciting - or fun. No amount of nostalgia can drag it into comfort territory.
Some missions are worth reliving. This one should have stayed classified.
Wow, I can't believe there was an Alias game. But makes sense. Was the golden era of: Let's turn everything into a videogame to print money.